Fun With Press Releases

Mr. Smithers Named Interim Duff Beer General Manager
Troy McClure Retires After Six Years of Dedicated Service

SPRINGFIELD – (October 11, 2006) – Duff Beer, the Springfield-based manufacturer of high-quality, versatile barley products today announces that Mr. Smithers will serve as interim General Manager following the retirement of Troy McClure, effective immediately. Commentary:  The cooperate anal probe we inserted didn't take.

Currently VP Operations, Mr. Smithers begins leadership of Duff Beer with over 27 years experience in beer marketing and manufacturing industry. Prior to Duff, Mr. Smithers’s experience includes roles or positions leading sales, retail marketing and global supply chain efforts at Anheuser Busch, among other director and VP level responsibilities throughout Anheuser Busch. Joining Duff  as VP Operations in 2004, Mr. Smithers promoted a high level of organizational and strategic thinking. His leadership of the operations team led to significant growth in personnel and responsibility, allowing the team to flourish as well as spawning motivation for organizational growth within other departments at Duff Beer. Commentary:  Hey investors! DON'T WORRY. Troy's departure was unexpected, but we have a pro at the helm. Remain calm.

In response to the announcement of his new position, Mr. Smithers said, “I am humbled and excited by this honor and opportunity. As a Duff insider for the past couple of years, I have watched with excitement and pride as new challenges and opportunities have arisen. We have an amazing management team in place, which is ready to take Duff Beer to the next level. I look forward to building on the legacy Troy is leaving behind and further building the team, product line and reputation of Duff Beer as brand and industry leader.” Commentary: Statement "As a Duff insider." Translation, "As the inside mole for our corporate parents." Statement "We have an amazing management team in place." Translation "Since we've been purchased, most of our talent has quit."

After more than six years leading the company, including the successful integration of Duff Beer with the Death Star Company, Troy McClure has announced his retirement to pursue other interests. “My departure comes at a time of phenomenally strong company performance with incredible prospects for future growth – growth for the brand and growth opportunities for each of the valued Duff Beer employees,“ said McClure. “I look forward to watching the continued growth for years to come.” Commentary: How many times did Troy say growth? 5? Think someone was nervous about future sales targets? Statement “I look forward to watching the continued growth for years to come.” Translation: I'll be watching you , FROM BARBADOS SUCKAS!"

Mr. Smithers will be working closely with Mr. McClure to transition responsibilities over the next two weeks. Mr. Smithers will lead the Duff Beer team on an interim basis until a decision on a permanent successor is made. Commentary: We're fucked!

Comments

[The Lorax]

Mr. McClure appearing not so "Smart" but would love to be on the boondoggle with Smithers! Nice work here.